First the earth was flat,
but it fattened up when we didn't fall off...
Now we spin laps round the sun.

All the gods lost, 2-1.
Arms from heaven, pointed out to us from light years away,
we're surrounded by a billion galaxies.

Things are not always, things are not always how they seem.

It's strange to think that history is written, but that the future is not. It's hard to imagine all this time living minutes away, walking feet from his doorstep, not knowing. Latent threads of fate, crossing years down the weave from us, woven in and out of others. We are all threads in a larger plan. Causes and effects, knots in the pattern.

I had to work there to meet him. I had to date him to hate him. I had to hate him to break the ice between us. He had to work with us to bring us together. He had to tell me the painful truth. I had to realize I had to look where I never expected to find. I had to like him to spend time with him. He invited you. We became tangents. I had to make the gift which piqued your interest. I brought it to show you, which sparked everything.

Threads of fate.

I'm dying to know, what's in your head.
I'm dying to know, how it all got there.

I'm back from the conference. That was alot of fun. But getting home was almost a little better.

I am happy.

It's all happening fast, but not in any of the ways it happened before. This is... right. This is about being happy, not satisfying temporary, superficial desires. This is about looking someone in the eye and seeing who they are. This is about unbearable excitement to see them again.

He's honest. He cares.

He's not shorter than I am. He doesn't wear glasses. I don't work with him. He's going to school. He likes books.

Dude, I scored.

Feeling of anticipation. Feeling of light stomach. Feeling of adventure.

Tales of Mere Existence: How to Break Up. Lev Yilmaz.

This feels like a good start. It has promise. But I'm not jumping in head first. Testing the water.

Or I'll use my favorite analogy!

I'm making a nice sauce that has to simmer for a while. I'm not trying to make a bowl of easy-mac.

He's not man-candy, he's more like a man-vegetable that you crave every once in a while. It's good for you, and you want it at the same time.'

But hold up. I'm trying so hard not to get ahead of myself. If only the K's could tone down their 12-year-old shenaniganing, I wouldn't be so retarded and giddy.

It's funny. You can have a conversation with someone, and not say anything. You can mention something in passing to someone, and say so much more.

For the first time, I think, I took a step back, put what my heart wanted on the backburner and listened to the situation. I didn't pin my heart to my sleeve, I didn't go all in on a pair of 2s. I watched and observed.

I realized he's not a good choice. He doesn't like me, or at least if he does, he's got his fingers in too many pies as it is. He told me how she told him we should date, and he laughed. So I did too. Besides, I'd rather not throw a wrench into the works we have. I can be the little sister that wants to play rough and tumble with the boys. That's ok with me.

At the same time, I'm frustrated by how fickle my heart can be. In one evening everything flipped. And it's a little exciting, but it makes me feel shallow. And of course there are always the warnings from the guys. But ever optimistic heart shouts to give it a chance. Mind though, I gave him a big stick, and now he gets a bigger say.

The POA: Hang back. Give it some time, he ain't trying to fly to coop. You've seen the good, wait to see the bad.

Ah, then my superstitions.

A leo, one year and one day older than me. A few odd moments of clarity.

We'll see, I suppose.

I feel... ok.

I think I've gotten the hang of being by myself. I mean, I've got friends and all, but when I'm not with them, there's no one to call or text. But that's ok.

I want him, but I don't think he wants me. Plus, it would probably never work out.

I dunno.

I think that above all else, I'm a painter.

I love doing it, and I'm pretty damn good at it.

I feel like I'm really improving, noticeably, for the first time at school. It's really weird when you read something, or your instructor makes you look at something just a little bit different, and then all the sudden you are a SHIT TON better at something. It's like unlocking bonus abilities: you cash in the experience points and BAM, LEVEL 3 PAINTING ABILITY! LEVEL 4 GESTURE CANON! LEVEL 2 COMPOSITION BOMB!

Also, super funny.

In my painting class, we needed to create a chart with gray scales. We created a full scale, and theeeen we had to create two MAJOR scales, and a MINOR scale. Hahahaha, I'll never get away from fucking stupid scales.

AND THEN I LEARNED TO SHOOST A GUN. Not a real one, just a red rider bb gun. I almost shot my eye out. It sucks because I can't shoot right handed because I can't aim for beans with my right eye. The sights get all blurry and stupid and I hit a lot of air. So I shoot left handed, and I hit the things I aim at! Apparently I'm left-eye dominant.

I want to go clubbing. I miss dancing. Sigh.

Life has been good.

I haven't been complimented on something true to my person in a long, long time. And hearing it really meant a lot. It sort of gave me a fresh outlook, and made me proud that I am who I am.

They think of me as part of the group. That's awesome. I'm not some satellite entity that blips past occasionally. I am their friend, and they'd even step up for me.

And I'm not sure exactly what I want out of this. I like him, (I only like them if they've got a slice of jerk). But I've done this before, and I'm still feeling the consequences. But when I think about it, I crave the tension of pursuit, not necessarily the rewards of success. I've done nothing the way I have in the past. I try to be subtle, not to try to hard to orient myself next to him, to touch him, become too juvenile. But all the times we meet gazes, the ways he tries to protect me, and the innocent antagonisms make me think maybe there's a little more than just a friendship there.

Especially... "In plain sight!..."

But the constant communication with countless other girls, and the texts to her in particular are the holes in my balloon. And regardless the fact I'm not sure I want anything more from him, its disappointing and stings a deal. I try not to let that show either.

I feel like a bit of an attention whore. They are protective, and I protest it because I know I don't need it. I've never needed... or maybe I've just never had... someone who wants to protect me from bad and dangerous things. But underneath the protests, I relish the attention.

But life has a new flavor. I like it.

I don't like the constant attention from the older guys at work. The boys think the men all have some creepy thing out for me, and with that new perspective it's getting harder to brush of all the awkward comments. The fact that I get it from the customers more and more now is hard too. Crazy Rick is the worst. I wish I could find safety and home in just one guy, instead of trying to keep all these other ones at a safe distance.

I wasn't excited to go back to school until I went today and saw all the people I haven't seen in 5 months.

It's still sort of a bummer. I've gotten used to the idea that you can sleep when your dead, and as soon as you get done with work it's play time. Doing homework again will suck.

I was also really enjoying time with the K's.

It's weird, I think I'm in a one-sided attraction. I haven't experienced this in more than 2 years. Subtlety is not my strong suite. Denial works so much better.

Sigh.

I accidentally dyed my hair pink.

For once in my life I didn't mean to make my hair this color.

It's not bad. I just haven't seen it this close to purple in a year.

Wow.

It's a little overwhelming when you suddenly realize why you keep having catastrophic relationship-failure.

"Well i don't think he's a creep."
"That's because he wants in your pants!"

He's nice and charming and friendly because he wants in my pants. He's complimentary and says nice things about me because he wants to use me, not because I deserve the compliments.

And he's not just one person.

And I'm an idiot because I fall EVERY TIME for the hollow flattery. I trust every empty smile. I have a stupid, naive, unjustified faith in people.

And it hurts. How many times have people, guys said something nice about me, something that I believe is true about myself? And how many times have they been lying, or saying it because they know that's what I want to hear?

How stupid am I to be blinded by cheap flattery?

But really, I feel pretty worthless. Am I only so good as the skeezy guys who only see me as a chunk of meat? I'm only deserving of hollow compliments?

No one tells me the truth about myself.

For some reason, this summer has been way more pivotal than last summer.

In a few short days, I'm going to be at a severe deficit of friends.

And then I'll go back to school. And I hope that I make some friends this year.

It's like hanging out with a bunch of birds only to realize they all fly away at the end of summer.

Crap.

I'm paralyzed by opportunities and responsibilities. Time is short.

Glitter-boob lady? Win.
Giant text receiving jumbotron? Win.
Beatport? Major Win.
Pirates of the Caribbean dance remix? OMG WINWINWIN.
Cute dude with the goofy dance moves? Win
The fact that dude has a girlfriend? Fail.

The fact that dude didn't even get a LITTLE bit cheaty? (He never really danced with me, and he didn't give me his number because he had a girlfriend. And I have reason to believe he actually HAS a girlfriend because Ethan asked him if I could get his number and before he even saw that it was me asking he said, "Nope, sorry, I got a girl.")

Win, though it is sorta disappointing. At least I can take this guy as some sort of sign that there are decent dudes floating around out there.

Anyway, last night was a blast. Sorry Ethan, that you were putting on your best moves and getting the signs but it just wasn't happening.

I'm realizing the reason that I always go for the broken ones...

The good ones? They scare the crap out of me.
In the face of an equal, I feel like an imbecile. Every difference between myself and them seems like some way I'm inferior to them. And it doesn't make me feel angry, it makes me feel like I'm wasting their time.

It's easier to pick someone with no confidence, with no direction.

It was easier, anyway.

I don't want someone to overlook my imperfections. I don't want them to think I have none. I have them, I'd just like someone to accept them.

What's weird is I didn't start out this way. I used to aim high. But for some reason now I just scope the ground all the time.

So now I've got to defy my nature. I literally have to not pursue anyone I'm attracted to, because I only seem to want people who can barely stand, figuratively. I can't fix people anymore. I can't ever really change anyone, even if it's for the better.

And all the lecherous creeps I've dealt with lately haven't done much for my esteem either.


So I gotta work this out. Hmm.

Show me love, show me love, show me love.

Oh tatu, how your simple, repetitive lyrics bore themselves deep into my brain.

So I get a guy's number, and I text him. And the first thing he asks for it a topless picture.

And so I wonder, do I just pick losers, or I do I give off the most wrong-iest impression to people ever?

I sort of think I just pick losers. If we go ahead and refer to my recent dating history, a trend becomes glaringly apparent. You see this line right here? Clearly defined decline into loser territory.

Then we have the added benefit of everyone at work wanting to take me out. I'm sure I'm flattered or something but how do I tactfully keep them at a safe distance? I already dated at the work place, and that ended in a horrendous train wreck involving radioctive AND bio hazardous contamination.

Though it is pretty humorous how all my other potential suitors valiantly defend my honor in the face of Chad's idiotic criticisms.

Anyway. To soothe my inflamed discouraged-ness, I club.

And I met someone who's smart, funny, cute, tall (which is important because ordinarily I only like short people.) and INTERESTED IN ME. But... she's leaving. In 2 weeks. Why the fuck?!

Stupid countdown to destruction. Why's it all gotta be time running out?

This has been the eternal summer.

I've been out of school since late April. And I haven't done alot of artwork, aside from the crafts and projects I've done with the kids at the Arvada Center. But though I haven't produced any masterpieces, I think I've had a productive summer. I worked a ton, I got promoted, I began to furnish myself for when I move out.

I got into a groove for nightlife. I learned how to dance well enough to get complimented by strangers. I got tattoos and a nose piercing. I experienced the horrors of online dating and will never do it again. I realized just how much self-confidence I have.

I stopped chewing my nails.

Despite all that, I'm sort of sad for the end of summer.

You've leaving, you're leaving, I'll be too busy to hang out with you much, and I'll have to go back to RMCAD where for some reason everyone is too stuck up or serious to give me the time of day. Seriously, what the fuck, aren't artist supposed to be liberal, free spirited and happy? You can be those things AND be a productive artist. We don't have to abuse alcohol, sleep with innumerable prostitutes and be generally miserable. That's so oldschool.

I suppose I resolve to make more friends at RMCAD, and to actually hang out with them outside of class. I just feel like I have such strong friendships with people now, and I haven't had that in years. Nothing lasts, eh?

I gotta feelin that tonight's gonna be a good night.

It's pretty awesome right now, that I'm not looking forward to fulfilling some stupid fantasy of mine that's bound to be a failure. I'm looking forward to going out and having fun. I've got BEST-friends, not a BOY-friend. While I feel sort of alone, it's ok. Maybe I'll get back to art. That would be good.

Platonic love, much better than the other bullshit.

I'm feeling nostalgic today.

I remember climbing up the hill behind your house to the water tower that's more of a giant hockey puck than a sputnik-inspired orb on stilts. I remember clambering around the gate to the ladder and climbing all the way to the top, and sitting up there and looking at Golden and Denver and everything to the east. I remember leading our troupe up the hill and up the ladder, and wearing someone elses shoes because I wore sandals.

For some reason, this memory sits outside of time for me. I can't place it in the context of the rest of my past. Was I with him? Or was I in love with her? The memory is significant enough that it doesn't need the context, I suppose.

I remember the dark square ringed by trees. I remember the stranger in the trenchcoat that took us on a backyard adventure over fences and through graves. I remember the murky light from the lamp posts, and the strip of park with a creek and bridges. I remember your confession.

I remember pining for you, how it started, and how sometimes you could be so kind and others so cruel. I was struck anyway. The smell of your hair, the softness of your hugs, the toughness of the times you'd fight, the delicacy and strength of your hands. Lols, look at me, I'm writing fan fiction for twilight. Sorry.

I remember the ferris wheel, riding it over and over to get the cute guy's number. And how when he texted us, all he wanted to know was how skanky we were. Awesome.

It's hard to explain why those memories are important, writing them down hardly does them justice. They just are.

I always get sick in June.

Two birthdays on the same day. One beginning and one end.

Weird.

I'm losing weight again, but it's only because I'm not eating regularly due to my work schedules.
Eat a crappy breakfast, skip lunch, eat something midafternoon just so I don't pass out at night. Eat whatever is left when I get home.

Not really complaining though. ^^ This happened over Christmas too, I was working so much at such weird times that I lost 5 pounds when I usually gain that much.

Two years ago, I was in this exact same boat. Counting down the days until he gets back. Except this time I think the wait is going to result in much more bountiful returns.

It's gonna be like Clark Gable.


I was waiting for a cross-town train in the London underground when it struck me
That I've been waiting since birth to find a love that would look and sound like a movie
So I changed my plans and rented a camera and a van and then I called you
"I need you to pretend that we are in love again" and you agreed to

I can always hope that my flight gets delayed. :D

It's sort of funny how much time I used to spend on livejournal checking up on everyone and trying to read between the lines. I read some of my old stuff and I can't remember what half my convoluted metaphors meant anymore.

Yet I still want to post song lyrics. XD

Life goes so fast. And changes so much sometimes it's hard to imagine things used to be a certain way at all.

Reflecting on things recently, I feel like I've got a fresh start. I got my promotion, I'm teaching, I tested clean, I met a stellar guy, and I feel like I finally have friends I can really rely on again. I've got the puzzle pieces in place, at least for now. Something is definitely going to come along and fuck them all up probably, but at least for now I'm at a good place. Maybe I'll start a new puzzle.

And now that I have the results back, I can really let go of Chad. I have nothing left to worry about, nothing left to tie me to him. I can hate him in peace now. Hah. Eventually I'll stop hating him. Maybe. In the very least, I can take comfort in the fact that I can move forward with my life, and he'll just keep drifting through it pretending that he's calling the shots while the tide takes him where it wants.

And my lesson learned. I'll do everything in my power to stay safe, and do everything to make sure the people I love stay safe too.

And the cherry on the top? Internet dating!

The serendipitous meeting of two strangers who have everything in common, who otherwise wouldn't have even known the other existed. I'm trying hard not to let my optimism get out of hand, there is such a thing as too good to be true. But perhaps, just maybe, Karma's cutting us a break. And we just have good things to look forward to.

Life goes on, and for now I feel like I'm not floundering, like I'm on top of the waves and I know where I'm going.